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Peace Not Pas

A Parent's Story of Battling Parental Alienation

Tag: parents rights (page 1 of 2)

When She Loved Me

Dear Reader,

Apologies for not writing for a while. As an alienated parent, debts still have to be paid, so I have been working towards this end.

I am writing today about a song that I have recently had to come to terms with. A couple of years ago while driving in my car, when she loved me, by Sarah McLachlan, came up on my playlist. Without thinking I sang along, and the usual lump came to my throat and I stopped singing for a second. My youngest daughter, who is used to my singing in the car, asked if I was alright. I said that I was and carried on.

It made me think about what had happened. For people that don’t know, the above mentioned song is the one played in Toy Story Two ,and referred to as Jessie’s song. It was written by Randy Newman, who writes amazing songs, and this was designed to tug at the heart strings. Unfortunately, when Randy sang it for Pixar Studios, it didn’t have the desired effect. Sarah McLachlan was asked to sing this and the rest is history.

I mention this because for some people the connection between the song and an alienated parent will jump into your mind, and not so for others.

WhenSheLovedMeToyStory2_CCASupport

© Pixar

Let me explain. In the film Toy Story Two, Jessie talks to Woody about why she doesn’t see her owner anymore

When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour spent together
Lives within my heart

And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
and when she was happy so was I
when she loved me

This talks about how loved and special she felt; for me it reminded me of the special relationship I had with my daughter, and how every day, every hour spent together lives within my heart.

Through the summer and the fall
we had each other that was all
Just she and I together
like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
and I knew that she loved me

This talks about the relationship Jessie had with her owner; the relationship I had with my daughter, was different to the one she had with her mother. Her mother had a child so that she didn’t feel left out by her friends. It meant that we talked about all sorts of things, we did all sorts of things, together.

So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she’d say I will always love you

Lonely and…

Lonely and forgotten
Never thought she’d look my way
And she smiled at me and held me
Just like she use to do
Like she loved me

When she loved me

This part refers to when Jessie is found by her owner after being forgotten under her bed for a while. For me this is the hardest part of the song. My relationship with my daughter has been hijacked by her mother; the person that didn’t really want to do anything with our daughter, now does everything and forces my daughter to make decisions based on emotional blackmail.

Her mother buys my daughter’s affection with things, rather than spend time with her. She has over time, convinced her that Daddy is bad, and that we should be angry at him.  For me, I have had to put up with all sorts of barriers and boundaries to spending time with my daughter. I have fought to keep phone contact, as this was all I was allowed. This has meant that as my daughter has started to grow, she has started to think for herself. I have never lied to my daughter, and have always told her everything, even if it doesn’t put me in a good light. I have been no angel and freely admit this, but this shouldn’t prevent me from being a part of my daughter’s life. Her mother is happy to take child maintenance from me, but would happily cut me from her life if she could.

When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour spent together
Lives within my heart
when she loved me

This part speaks more to, me than anything. Dearest daughter, just to make you aware, this passage isn’t about how I need to be loved. It refers to the fact that I love you dearly, always have, always will.

It doesn’t matter to me what anyone says to me, the time we spend together will always live together in my heart. I hope and pray (and I am not even religious!!) that at some point our time together will mean as much to you as it does to me.

I will never stop trying to have a relationship with you, in whatever way, shape or form, you want. Know that I have never stopped loving you, despite what others may say, and this will never change.

I still listen to this song. Tears don’t roll down my face as they used to, but it does remind me of what I miss and what I hope to look forward to in the future.  “When she was happy, so was I. When she loved me “


 

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So I’ve Been Asked, What is Parental Alienation?

So I’ve been asked, what is parental alienation?… Simple… It is my ex stopping me from being a parent.

What does she stop me doing? Everything a normal loving parent does. I’m excluded from nursery, I can’t pick my son up from there. And I’m accused of being convicted of crimes falsely when I attend parents evening.

Parental alienation isn’t a syndrome… it’s an action, a choice and ultimately one parent saying “I’m superior to you.”

I have no awareness of his medical records, she thinks its acceptable for me to pay to get these, as I hold parental responsibility… Thank you very much for that.

I know nothing about his life other than the 52 days a year I see him.

Parental alienation isn’t a syndrome… it’s an action, a choice and ultimately one parent saying “I’m superior to you.”

I’m at a loss as to how to stop it; courts ignore it and the ex refuses to engage with mediation.

The current set up of courts and family law makes this acceptable for the resident parent to alienate the non-resident parent (statistics inform us that alienators are mostly resident mothers here in the UK). There are some resident parents who don’t misuse the system, but with the CMS (Child Maintenance Service) taking around 14% of my gross salary, the courts ignoring the issue and my ex’s refusal to engage in mediation… I feel it is portrayed as she is right and I am wrong.

All I want is fair contact, awareness of my son’s life and ultimately him to see me as a parent.

I would like to give you one final example of the kind of tactics an alienating parent uses. My son has got a birthday party coming up. But according to my ex, the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation) stops her confirming names of his friends to invite.  This is not an action against him but me. As she doesn’t want other parents to see the real me… A great dad to my son.

A belated show of support for all the alienated dads out there that had to endure Father’s Day. And well done to all the mothers out there that promote equal parenting.

A Softer Approach to the Ultimate Goal to Reunite With Your Children

It is controversial. It divides opinions. Does it really exist? And ultimately, is it really about the children? I mean deep down really, or is it just spite? I’m talking of course about parental alienation. If you are effected by it, you know the answers. Yes, this is as real as it gets. Doubters will always have their reasons for not accepting its existence. However, proving one way or another within a court of law seemingly is easier said than done. Until the legal system is updated accordingly, there will always be long, expensive cases which cause more upset and turmoil, leaving those negatively effected by parental alienation finding it hard to cope.

“Lets put it simply, it’s a battle, a war.”

So, the million-dollar question is how you cope with it, and what is the best way to get out of it? If you have the answer that suits everyone, then you’ll be extremely wealthy if you decide to sell it.  In my opinion, there is not one answer. Yes, the situation might be the same, as in you don’t see your child(ren), however, everyone’s circumstances are different, or should I say, whoever you are up against will differ.

Lets put it simply, it’s a battle, a war. One with no real winners. It has losers… The children.

Some lobby to change the law, but the laws that hinder us were first passed to protect those in danger. These situations still exist so is it as simple as, change the law to 50/50 shared parenting across the board? For me, that would be perfect, but the problem with that is that if my relationship with my children is put under so much pressure that it causes them more harm and distress then is that in their best interest?

“The extreme stress you endure during this time will ultimately cause you either mental or physical harm, most likely both.”

I should point out that I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with any form of trying to improve matters, but I think that we must look at this from all angles.

The extreme stress you endure during this time will ultimately cause you either mental or physical harm, most likely both.  Like most men, I wouldn’t really speak to anyone about my situation. I bottled everything up which ultimately led to quite severe stomach pains. After finally agreeing to see the local G.P. thinking I would get some medication to treat the pains, I found myself with a prescription for antidepressants.  It seems that your stomach has its own nervous system, that’s where the term gut feeling comes from, and when your brain finally says enough is enough, your stomach is the first body part to feel actual physical pain. So, my advice is please, do not bottle things up, and getting some help is not a sign of weakness. I regret not going sooner as it does help put things clear in your mind.

So, what have I decided to do about my circumstances?…

Well, firstly I do not use social media to vent. It is very easy to swear and tell others exactly what has happened to you. Very quickly others join in with you and fan the flames of anger. One of the biggest messages you come across is ‘in the best interests of the children’, and it’s true. After all, the reason why you feel so low is that you love your children unconditionally. But is posting bad language and abusive comments about the other parent really in their best interests?

You must not forget that however much they have hurt you, and however much you want them to pay for what they have done to you and put you through, your children are under their control, and you are giving them all the ammunition they need to drive the wedge between you and the children even deeper.

“I get it, you’re hurting, you want justice and you want it now.”

Once it’s on social media, it’s there. With the added concern that Family Court will also scroll through social media, then it’s a very dangerous game to play.

But I get it, you’re hurting, you want justice and you want it now. But this is not an overnight fix because the harsh reality is if you were dealing with a reasonable individual then you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

When I saw that there was no way that I was going to be allowed to have a relationship with my children by the other parent, I knew then that even though there was a court order in place, yes, I’ve done the court route and expensive and pointless is my conclusion; it was detrimental for them to continue seeing me. The issue with the courts is that they simply don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Lawyers can create scenarios to best suit their client, and the whole thing becomes a real-life soap opera, basically fictional.

Like a lion in a zoo, you can see in their eyes when they have given up the fight, I could see in my children’s eyes that they were suffering.

“There is something positive about living in the present and not the past. Churning over memories will drive you insane.”

I started to write my children letters, and just keep them safe. Nothing about the other parent, nothing derogatory or abusive. Just letters about how much I loved and missed them. The letters continued, and I then also started making videos. There is something positive about living in the present and not the past. Churning over memories will drive you insane. By talking to them as if they were there is calming and pulls you back into the present and even the future which is a much more positive place than the past.

After a while of making these videos and letters, I then got a little frustrated that they were just sat on my phone.  I’m sure everyone has heard the ‘one day when they are older’ line, but my thinking was… What if they think I’m an asshole?

So, I came up with the app Absent. One platform where people can reunite and learn the other side of the story. As we all know, there are always two sides to every story, right?

AbsentLogo_PeacenotPas

Included in Absent will be a private journal feature if you wish to use it. The private journal feature will safely store all the letters and videos that you make, ready for when your children are ready. Once you allow access after ensuring it is them, with some fancy technology, they will be able to digest everything you’ve put on there before you reunite.

As far as I’m concerned, that is in the best interest of the children.  Everything private, no manipulation of social media posts by anyone, no pressure put on them. Even though I am aware of messages being circulated about myself regarding the creation of Absent, by making that public, or responding in kind is not in the best interests of my children. It’s hard enough growing up these days without the added embarrassment of parents slinging mud on social media sites.

AbsentWhatDiIDoToDeserveThis_PeaceNotPas.jpg

Even though this might take some time, it will provide a chance of a long lasting meaningful relationship. Again, there are other avenues to take, but having an Absent account running alongside will do no harm whatsoever.  If things change sooner, before the need for an Absent account, then amazing.

But if you’re not that lucky, you might be glad you had one.  Why not check it out in the App Store.

AbsentReview_PeaceNotPas


Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles.

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected, as is the case above.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

The Peace Not Pas Team

“Children’s Social Services have failed my children”

We were recently approached by an alienated father who asked for our help and support. He also offered to share his story in an attempt to raise awareness of parental alienation. To maintain anonymity, as requested by the father, we will call him John.

John has now spent almost two years fighting to see his children. John, his parents and his partner have spent, between them, in excess of £25,000 in legal fees.

The following is an interview with John regarding his involvement with Norfolk Children’s Social Services, here in the UK..

Please note all names have been anonymised. No statements attributed to professionals, nor information disclosed in the following paragraphs is in breach of any confidentiality.


What was the intended role of Norfolk Children’s Social Services in the management of your case?

Well prior to them coming in on the case, Cafcass had been managing the case. But it was Cafcass that referred the case to Children’s Social Services. I rather naively assumed Children’s Social Services would help me be reconciled with my children.

How did they approach the case upon their initial involvement?

Initially I was visited by two social workers that came into my home and spoke to me. They were gathering evidence to write an initial assessment report. During this visit I made the statement that I felt my ex was presenting with certain personality traits indicative of Munchhausen-by-proxy. The social worker that was taking notes simply nodded and carried on taking notes. He did not inquire further as to why I held this belief. Nor did he ask for any context regarding my statement; for example, he chose to not ask me from where I was drawing on such knowledge to make such a statement. He showed no evidence of any professional curiosity. Just to clarify, I am an experienced psychiatric nurse, I work on a psychiatric assessment ward, I know what I’m talking about with things like this.

The following week I received a social worker assessment co-written by the two social workers I talked about above. And there was one particular sentence he had written that absolutely made my blood boil. He wrote “Mr X has diagnosed Mrs X with Munchhausen-by-proxy. This is very alarming on the part of Mr X.” I thought to myself, what a completely biased, un-evidenced opinion on what I had actually stated.

Did you raise this matter?

I did, I put it in as a complaint at a later stage with several other issues I had with the service provided and the lack of safeguarding of children.

Did you get a response?

Yes I did get a response. I received a letter stating the following: “we have been unable to find evidence of unprofessional conduct on the part of the Social Workers.”

Okay. What happened next with Norfolk Children’s Social Services involvement?

Well following the above assessment the case was allocated a lead social worker from Children’s Social Services. She also came to visit me at my home, along with an assistant practitioner. One of the things the social worker told me was that she would be expecting within three months a change in my ex’s current approach. I politely pointed out to her that to me her view was a somewhat naive judgement to make, seeing as I had been battling to have some kind of contact with my children for so long and had got nowhere due to my ex’s non-compliance and complete refusal to engage in any court directions or orders that promote or result in contact.

What was the social worker’s reply to your comment?

She told me “you shouldn’t be so negative.”

So what were the results of Norfolk Children’s Social Services being involved?

Well at some point we had a Children in Need meeting. Two social workers and an assistant practitioner from Children’s Social Services were there. Also in attendance were the Children’s Guardian, who is actually a social worker, and a Deputy Service Manager, both of them from Cafcass. There were several other so-called professionals in attendance. Most of them had never met my children. And most of them were not permitted to read a psychological assessment. The findings of this psychological assessment, particularly with regards to my ex, gives a clear indication and explanation as to my ex’s non-engagement and continuing contact denial. At the end of the meeting all the attendees took part in a vote regarding the severity of the children’s current safeguarding issues.

However, you said that not all attendees were permitted access to all of the evidence, for example the psychological assessment. So how does that work in terms of the professionals making judgements about your children, but they are not permitted access to all the evidence?

I know it’s absolutely bonkers isn’t it. There were people, these so-called professionals that were making judgements about children they either barely knew or had not met, and were also not permitted to read an integral piece of evidence that raised several safeguarding issues regarding the relationship between my children and their mother.

The thing is that ironically I now have a court order permitting any attendees at any future Children in Need meetings, access to the aforementioned psychological assessment.

So what happened at this Children in Need Meeting?

So at the beginning of the meeting I asked the lead social worker from Children’s Social Services if they recognised parental alienation as a form of abuse. As I asked this I noticed the two representatives from Cafcass appearing to avoid eye contact with as many people as possible, so as to minimise the risk of being brought into this contentious issue.

The lead social worker (from Children’s Social Services) did not reply, but the assistant practitioner did. He asked me “what do you actually mean by parental alienation?” So obviously I told him. Their answer was no, they do not recognise it as a form of abuse. In response to this I looked across at the Deputy Service Manager from Cafcass. I got the impression he was trying to keep a low profile. I got the feeling he was probably thinking “shit! Any minute now he’s gonna ask me a question about parental alienation!” So I did, I asked him to clarify, for the benefit of the rest of the room; “does Cafcass as an organisation recognise parental alienation as a form of abuse?” All he could bring himself to do was a somewhat lacklustre nod of the head. I then asked him if Cafcass viewed this case as a case of parental alienation. He reluctantly nodded once again. The only thing he appeared to be putting any effort into was trying to avoid eye contact with as many people there as possible.

How did the rest of the meeting go?

Well at some point in the meeting we got onto the subject that my ex was at that time insisting on pursuing a diagnosis of autism for my oldest boy. Which in my opinion was and still is completely unfounded and I strongly believe is driven by a financial and non-contact incentive on the part of my ex.

So in this meeting I explained to all present that my son never presented to me as showing any signs of autism. I then said, words to the effect of “if anything he merely presents with some schizoid traits.” (As a mental health nurse, what I meant in layman’s terms was that he can have interpersonal communication difficulties; this is completely different to suggesting he has autism). The assistant practitioner from Children’s Social Services who was sat to my left rolled his eyes in response to my last comment. So there and then I politely asked him why he had chosen to display such a negative non-verbal reaction in response to my last comment.

What was his response to you?

He then said, in front of everyone “oh my God! I can’t believe a dad would call their son a schizoid!” And the the thing that really annoyed me was that he said it with such misplaced conviction and judgement against me as a parent. I responded by informing him that someone can’t be a schizoid. I asked him if he knew what schizoid meant. He didn’t reply, obviously. His lack of response clearly told me that he did not know what the word schizoid meant. I then asked him what made him say such a thing if he doesn’t know what the word meant. He then told me that when he was at school him and his friends used to hear that term being used as an insult. I informed him that I was not using it as an insult. I also informed him that I was disappointed that he made the unfortunate assumption that I was using the term in a negative way. I explained to him that I am very passionate about challenging the stigma around mental health and comments such as the one he had just made was not appropriate.

So what was the outcome of the meeting?

My ex and I agreed to try mediation again. And another meeting was planned.

Was that it?

Basically yeah.

So was any progress made with the planned mediation sessions?

Well I attended my session. In the meeting my ex managed to orchestrate me into being the one to organise the mediation service. And as such I end up attending first. I paid £120 (that’s 165 US dollars!) to sit in front of a mediator for twenty minutes. Then at the end of my session they inform me that they will be contacting Ms X and inviting her in to attend her initial meeting.

Did she attend?

Of course she didn’t. She’s pulled this trick before. It’s a power game to her. It appears to me she just plays these tactics to force me into parting with money when she knows full well I have ongoing financial difficulties.

How did Norfolk Children’s Social Services react to her non compliance with the so-called plan?

Not much. They don’t even see it as a continuation of her almost two year contact denial and alienating behaviours. She told them she couldn’t afford to pay for the mediation session. And they don’t challenge her at all.

It sounds like from what you are saying of your story that such professionals take a very biased approach in favour of the resident parent.

Oh, absolutely. First of all Children’s Social Services do not recognise parental alienation as a form of abuse. So it is a complete waste of time even talking to them about it. They just close ranks and shut you down. They either simply do not see, or simply choose to ignore the fact that my ex is literally brainwashing my children against me, to the point that she is determined to erase me from my children’s lives. This is despite my ex openly stating to all professionals involved that she will not co-parent of facilitate contact between my children and I. It is absolute madness. The whole system is flawed.

During one conversation I had with the lead social worker and assistant practitioner after a failed contact visit, I stated that in the long term I was aiming for 50/50 custody. The lead social worker remarkably responded to me by saying “well that’s unrealistic.”

What did you say to such a remark?

Well I then asked her why. She replied “well the majority of my case load is single parent families and the majority of the resident parents are mothers.”

What did you say to that?

So I responded by saying “well okay, but what has this statistic of yours got to do with my case. Surely you are not saying that my aim of 50/50 parenting is unrealistic because the majority of the resident parents on your case load are mothers?”

What did she say to that?

“Well that’s how it is.”

Did she really say that?

Yes she did. As a statement from a professional, I found that statement shockingly biased. But she clearly thought nothing of the sort!

On another occasion my mum and I were driving past the former matrimonial home. We saw my son on his way back from school about to enter the home. So my mum and I pulled over and said hello to my son. We both said hello in an appropriate and soft manner. We both told him how much we loved him. He pretty much ignored us and went into the house. We subsequently drove off.

A short while later I received a telephone call from the lead social worker. The actions of my mother and I had clearly been observed by my ex who I can only guess immediately telephoned the lead social worker and gave her, her version of events. The lead social worker then proceeded to have a go at me for pulling over and saying hello to my son. She asked me if I had done it to prove a point to her!

So what was the outcome of Norfolk Children’s Social Services involvement?

Well, they managed to get an arranged visit for me to see my children, under particular conditions, all orchestrated by my ex.

What happened?

I managed to see my children for five minutes. Their mother and the lead social worker were present.

How did that go?

The children appeared. Now bearing in mind I had not seen my children at that point for almost two years, inside I was understandably feeling a multitude of emotions. At that point the social worker thought it would be a good idea to say to me, “do you think they’ve got a lot bigger John, since you last saw them?”

“No shit Sherlock!” I thought to myself in response to her statement. I then also asked myself, was that really the most appropriate comment she could have made at that point in time?

My middle son then rather stoically informed me that none of them wanted to see me ever again. I told them I loved them, and that I was still there daddy. Within minutes they were gone again.

What happened next?

As soon as the children left, the social worker said “well that was progress.” As she said this I was still processing the fact that I had been told by one of my children that none of them wanted to see me ever again.

Have you had any further contact with your children since?

Well I was supposed to have weekly planned visits to see them. However their mother is unable to instruct them to come and see me. The visits are now no longer taking part due to my ex terminating the visits.

So what is the current involvement of Norfolk Children’s Social Services?

They are no longer involved. They closed the case.

How come, what was their rationale?

Well they stated that the children are no longer Children in Need. In layman’s terms, Children’s Social Services are stating that my children are no longer in need of help or support from services to prevent significant or further harm to their health or development.

They also remarkably stated that they do not believe the children are being emotionally abused by their mother. They also stated that they are not a mediating service. And as such, they told me in a very matter-of-fact email that there is no longer a role for them.

But what had changed in terms of the children’s well-being for them to close the case?

Well, my point exactly. I was so frustrated. Children’s Social Services had come in to this case, treated me with little to no respect, completely misunderstood the dynamics of the case and had provided no benefit to the children at all.

Did you take any further action?

Well prior to me even knowing that they were planning to close the case I asked the lead social worker and their manager for answers to the following questions:

1) As a non-mental health practitioner do you not accept or understand that symptoms of emotional abuse would not be correctly identified by non-mental health practitioners?

2) Are my children no longer Children in Need? If not, what has happened to determine this since Judge ######## stated that he would like to argue with the social worker that decides otherwise? What has changed? If anything, isn’t there more evidence of non-compliance from Mrs X?

3) A key part of social work is upholding social justice. Have you challenged the injustice of these children being denied a relationship with me their father? And if so what were your results?

4) Another key part of social work is the continuous aim to improve your knowledge. However each time I have attempted to bring in aspects of mental health I have been dismissed, or told to stop. Why is this?

5) You state that Norfolk Children’s Social Services own findings are not the same as those of the psychological assessment. Were the findings of Norfolk Children’s Social Services arrived at by the use of the same psychometric framework used by the author of the psychological assessment?

6) You did on numerous occasions request me to stop bringing the subject of mental health up for discussion in the context of this case. However if you were requesting this of me, I would like to know how Norfolk Children’s Social Services have arrived at the conclusion that they do not agree with the findings of the recent psychological assessment if we were not to be discussing mental health as part of this case?

3) Is the lack of response from Norfolk Children’s Social Services regarding my recent emails due to the inability or unwillingness to answer my questions for fear of some kind of accountability and/or litigation, or is it simply a lack of respect and courtesy for someone that is simply fighting to be a part of his children’s lives?

Have you had a response yet?

About a week and a half later I received a letter from the Complaints Department:

Dear Mr X

Thank you for correspondence regarding the involvement of Children’s Social Services with your children.

I am aware that this matter has been before the court recently as part of a private law case and the Judge requested a Section 37 report which has been completed and shared with the court. Your children’s case is now closed to Children’s Services, though should the Judge require any further information they will, of course, be happy to provide this.

I have been unable to find evidence of unprofessional conduct on the part of the Social Worker or the Team Manager and suggest you may wish to obtain legal advice to ensure your concerns are addressed within the court arena. I also suggest if you remain dissatisfied you may wish to contact the Local Government Ombudsman.

Whilst I understand this will not be the response you were hoping for, I am unable to provide any further information in relation to this matter.

Yours Sincerely

Complaints Case Manager

Complaints Team

So obviously they did not answer your questions. Did you take any further action?

Yeah, I certainly did. I contacted the Complaints Manager with the following email:

Hi Complaints Manager,

I am emailing you in relation to your letter in response to my complaint below.

I am very disappointed and frustrated that you have chosen not to provide an answer to any of the questions below. I did highlight the fact to you that these questions were asked when the case was open, but the named professionals chose not to answer them; hence the complaint.

However you are now choosing to not provide me with any answers to the questions below.

I do not think it unreasonable that I request you provide me with some rationale as to why you have chosen not to provide me with any answers to any of the questions below.

Regards

X

Any reply yet?

Yes.

And what was that?

Yet another letter, simply referring me back to the first letter I had initially received from the Complaints Manager. Completely unbelievable really.

What’s next for you?

Well I have sought legal advice and I will certainly be acting on that advice soon. And in addition to that my case is currently being reviewed by the reconciliation specialist that you and your group referred me to. I am not going to give up. Norfolk Children’s Social Services have failed my children.


Please Note:  We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. Should you wish us to refer you to an appropriate professional please contact us here.

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected, as is the case above.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The Peace Not Pas Team

This is Parent Alienation

It is Parent Alienation Awareness Day 2018

The abuse of children and their alienated parent’s civil rights is happening in every town, every day.

But the fact that people still need to be educated to understand what it means, speaks volumes.

Because people who aren’t experiencing it either ignore it or  just don’t get it.

They say things like:

“How can you expect us to believe that your child has turned against you because your former partner made them?” 

or

“Nobody could be that cruel to do that to their own children. The courts would stop it”

Well, sadly the truth is quite the contrary.

As the now millions of people suffering this worldwide know, parent alienation is a deliberate and calculated process. It is the product of many repetitions of negative behaviour that, over time, makes a relationship with the targeted parent so uncomfortable because of the behaviour of the targeting parent (usual the one they live with because they have more time and opportunity), that the child has no choice but to reject the parent they don’t live with. And the courts do nothing to stop it, often making the process worse.

What that does is plant a psychological time bomb that will ruin their lives.

In this post, fathers, mothers, grandparents, step-parents and siblings who have contacted us via the Peace not PAS network, give actual snapshots of how PA manifests itself and the common tactics deployed. See how many you recognise:

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“ She split the children up using new boyfriend to love-bomb our youngest, often in front of me. Then when the boyfriend cheated on her and left under a shadow of suspected child abuse, quite incredibly she then blamed US for making him leave and the kids were clearly ashamed.”

“Pressurising the eldest whenever she came over to spy on us, take money and use her phone (which we didn’t know she had) to take photos/videos etc of the house”

“Using the eldest as the “negotiator” an adult role, then setting up clashes of arrangements so the child was in an impossible position.

“Not agreeing holidays or forward dates despite knowing how this will impact work arrangements etc…..relishing the power it gives her over us”

“Crying hysterically during pickup, terrifying the children”

“Forcing pickup from alien places that the kids don’t like”

“Marching into our house but never letting us into hers for “security” reasons creating a whole “fear” culture….yet she was happy for me to spend five years with the children as babies, in my sole care.”

” Advised the children that if they did not like anything I did as a parenting skill, to call the police. Incredibly they did on numerous occasions.”

“ Made false allegations of alcohol and verbal/emotional and sexual abuse, none of which were found to have any truth but there were no consequences for wasting police time or causing me and my partner extreme distress”

“Booking things when the child should be at his dads, he knew what he had to choose”

“Throwing away and breaking toys, books or any gifts / cards purchased for children”

“Encouraging children to do harmful (dangerous) things to physically hurt our family members, pets and even our trees and flowers in yard!”

“Punishing the children for expressing any joy regarding their time spent with us so they would phone us up in floods of hysterical tears and blame us.”

“Kids won’t take anything to Mum’s we buy them as it becomes a red rag to a bull.”

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“Frequent involvement of the police- allegations of abuse, restraining orders and arrests (accusations of breaching restraining order)”

“Teaching a 3 year old to say “Daddy is horrible” and much worse to neighbours, nursery workers and social workers. Claiming these are completely his own words and that actually she constantly tells him “how much Daddy loves him”

“Outright refusing any contact, even when dad begged for it :(“

”Children are not allowed to mention our names at their mum’s house or are punished severely.”

“Ipad banned from 10yr old for 4 days because my step daughter messaged me to say she missed me. She was told if she ever messaged ‘that woman’ again her Ipad would be destroyed”

“Mother has supervised every moment I’ve spent with my daughters since we separated.”

“Youngest daughter told me on phone (aged6): “Daddy said if we see you we’ll be taken away”

“Forcing all communication through the children”

“Threats and acts of physical violence followed by false reports to the police in order to “get in there first”

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“Love bombing the children with pets, gifts, special/adult perks and then trying to turn them against me”

“I apparently jumped in front of an ambulance to seek attention and deliberately drove my car into a ditch. I allegedly tried to kill my self several times in front of several children”

“I was hospitalised for a week with meningitis last year but it was apparently for attention and to gain my children’s sympathy, and I’d lied about staying in for so long!”

“Threatening physical violence from her family members if I show up at the court ordered time to pick them up.”

“Telling me to give her money (on top of what she already has) otherwise I don’t get to see them”

“False allegations of physical violence, mental abuse and even rape, all dis-proven yet continually raised in legal letters with NO consequences”

“Keep parent out of resident parents house yet absolutely no safeguarding issues indicated.”

“Monitoring every single phone contact. Allowing child no privacy to speak to target parent”

“Constantly refer to “contact with MY/HER child or “visiting” rights”

“Telling the Judge that my 3 year old daughter was hitting the floor with a stick, saying ” I am killing my Daddy”

“Telling the Judge that I can’t be around our children without a beer in my hand.”

“Telling the Judge that my 3 year old’s constipation has improved since I moved out.”

“Sexualizing the fact that my daughters saw me naked to 70 + year old Judge.”

“Withholding cards and letters and poems expressing my love.”

“Refusing my daughter’s wishes to even call me”

“When my ex and her parents and friends badmouthed me if my daughter spoke up she was called a traitor and a spy in the camp.”

“Love bombing my daughter’s who now won’t speak to me at all whilst treating my sons as second class whenever they have both”

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“Told kids I had left her so was leaving them all and no longer loved them.”

“False allegations of physical harm.”

“Telling kids they didn’t deserve a dad like me.”

“Alienator told the children in the months before their father married me that she was dating him again but she hadn’t even spoken with him”

“She told children to steal my favorite clothes and bring them to her; when I searched for my favorite jeans one day, the girls laughed at me and stated “mother told us to tell you a “ghost” stole them.”

“Alienator told the children she was a vampire witch and cast a spell against people she hated- and that she hated us and would hate them too if they weren’t careful”

“Told the children to give me the silent treatment. I was to blame for the divorce and I was not worthy of their love and attention any more so they must forget I existed.”

“Now extended to FaceTiming/messaging her step sister; they were best friends, every other weekend was a sleepover party for them. They loved it, BM hated it so stopped it. My daughter kept trying to message her step sister but after months of no replies, she gave up. Especially sad when it’s the children they hurt.”

“Deliberately not being in when it was our time to collect children, then telling children that we didn’t come for them because “Daddy has a new family now.”

“Hit me with the car when I was waiting by the gate”

“She had an affair & asked my husband to move out 2yrs before we got together. With her hatred to me & my children you would have thought he had an affair with me.”

“Throwing away the phone we had been using to text each other, and letters going missing.”

“Co-opting / involving school and health professionals and school-gate Mums by repeating false allegations. “

“Our middle grandson was told his birthday party would have to be cancelled because they had no money now …as Nanny and Grandad had taken it all and their son was just like them”

“We the grandparents are not to be mentioned to them or allowed in their home ever again.”

“Latest one is asking my son’s kids to admit they love me more than her then punishing them if they don’t answer.”

“I could go on indefinitely, it seems she is only limited by  imagination in thinking up ways to turn my children against me. It might be worth noting her parents are equally as vindictive. I thought it would stop over time if I kept behaving reasonably, 4 1/2 years later it’s getting worse if anything.”

“Youngest contaminated my eye makeup by dipping mascara wand in toilet- I had an eye infection so severe, I lost partial vision in my right eye permanently. When they heard about it- the oldest grinned…youngest stated her mother gave her a tutorial on what to do to my makeup to make me “sick”

“Within 2 days of moving in with new partner she had attacked her daughter on Facebook, sent the police round claiming we were “ganging up on her”, sent kids round with phones to film the house and told 5 year old to leave house for neighbours claiming we were imprisoning her. Also her boyfriend wrote a letter for youngest claiming she didn’t love me any more and wanted his family instead. He admitted this after leaving her.”

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“Mother treats our young kids like her partner, over-sharing inappropriate things.”

“She framed/frames child’s time with Dad’s family as unfortunate obligation
Mother repeatedly told/tells child he will be able to/is now old enough to choose to not see Dad at all (note past tense…they no longer come to see us)”

“Allowing the children to “decide” whether to spend time with their father or not, then scheduling events during visits or undermining the value of time spent with Dad, giving them ultimatums where (obviously) they are not going to choose to visit, withholding love or gifts if they go on visits”

“Lying to them about their father in order to make them afraid of visiting him, ie. telling them that his neighbourhood is unsafe and if they visit they might be in danger, implying that their father is inherently dangerous and that visiting him puts the children in peril”

“Falsely accusing Dad and his family of abuse, both past and present, towards Mom as well as the children, the alienator presenting a “Victim Complex” and blaming their behaviour on their (supposed) mistreatment by the target parent, repeatedly involving the Child Services to investigate false claims of bullying, terrorizing and physical violence”

“Generally associating visits with negative thoughts and feelings, then blaming the target parent for those things when they are actually stemming from the Alienator”


All pretty detestable behaviour, I’m sure most decent parents would agree. But by far and away the most commonly mentioned tactic, the one to trump all others, was this one:

“They [the alienator] simply refuses to comply with court orders claiming the kids don’t want to and they know that the court will do nothing because they control all of the children’s events, friendships, schooling arrangements completely and with absolutely no reference to me/us.

They refuse to even let us speak to the kids now.

Yet they lives in the home I paid for.”


We would like to say a big thank you to every single person that contributed to the above article. It takes courage to not only live with what is being done to us, but sometimes it can take courage to put pen to paper and actually see the abuse in black and white; for that is what parental alienation is, abuse. Plain and simple.

Once again, thank you


Please Note: We will gladly signpost individuals to true professionals within our wider network who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We pledge to never request payment from such individuals, nor request a finder’s fee from these professionals for any referrals made. We pledge to never make a profit or any other form of financial gain from any individuals affected by parental alienation.

We are always looking for guest writers. Please note, your writing will always remain your own intellectual property, even if it’s published on this site.

Please Contact us for more details. 

The Peace Not Pas Team

Where is the Justice?

A couple of days ago I went for a mediation session. I am what is known as an alienated parent. Following our separation in the summer of 2016, my ex has continuously denied me contact with my three young children. She has brainwashed them against me; to the point of them no longer calling me daddy. On the odd occasion I come up in conversation, my children now all refer to me by my first name. They have been exposed to such a negative perception of me by their mother, they now ‘claim’ they no longer want anything to do with me ever again. I have not had any meaningful contact with them for 18 months. The above set of abusive behaviours is collectively known as parental alienation. For a more detailed description of parental alienation, please see our What is PAS/PA? page.

“Front line staff are untrained, misinformed and completely out of their depth when it comes to assessing, managing and effectively case-working situations of parental alienation.”

Both Cafcass and Children’s Social Services are heavily involved in this case. Cafcass’ Chief Executive, Anthony Douglas publicly states that as an organisation, Cafcass acknowledge parental alienation as a form of abuse that should be dealt with the same severity as any other form of child abuse. However as an organisation, Cafcass clearly have an organisational-wide issue when it comes to disseminating such an acknowledgement down to their front line staff. Their front line staff are untrained, misinformed and completely out of their depth when it comes to assessing, managing and effectively case-working situations of parental alienation.

On the other  hand, the other organisation heavily involved in my case, Children’s Social Services, explicitly state that they do not recognise or acknowledge parental alienation as a form of abuse.

My ex and I have attended mediation, co-parenting courses and attended numerous court hearings over the last 18 months. My ex continues to breach numerous court orders that instruct or promote contact between my children and I with no legal penalties or consequences for her.

A recent psychological assessment states that my ex presents with a number of personality traits that are indicative of a Cluster A personality disorder. The same assessment states that the children are being emotionally abused and living in a toxic environment that is damaging to both their current and long term mental health. The assessment also states that due to the Cluster A personality traits, there is little to no evidence to suggest that my ex will change her current abusive and contact denying behaviours.

So what was the latest futile response from Cafcass and Children’s Social Services I hear you ask? Well… Wait for it… They have suggested my ex and I return to mediation. What an absolutely groundbreaking proposal!

So earlier on this week I attended a mediation session. In the interests of confidentiality and professionalism I have changed the name of the mediator.

I was shown into a small room and introduced to the mediator who I will refer to as Harry Ball-Sax. We greeted one another, shook hands and we both sat down.

Harry Ball-Sax then asked me “what has happened since I saw you last time in 2016?”

I replied “nothing has happened, I still haven’t seen my kids, my ex is still refusing to allow my parents and I any contact with the children and the services involved haven’t got a clue what they are doing!”

“So it sounds like due to the acrimonious separation you are both still in the middle of an ongoing high conflict issue where neither of you can compromise.”

“First of all can you please not use the term acrimonious separation. I left an unhealthy relationship, my ex is punishing me for it. The word acrimonious is defined as involving anger and bitterness. I am not angry or bitter. Furthermore in terms of compromise, my ex is demanding I leave her and our children alone so they can all grieve for me! Now obviously I’m not dead. I am very much alive. So in terms of you labelling it an issue of high conflict, the conflict is not on my part. Should my ex suddenly wake up tomorrow having had an epiphany and agree to co-parent, I would happily do so with no anger, bitterness or animosity.”

With no response to my above comment and no verbal or non-verbal expression of empathy or compassion, Harry Ball-Sax then asked me “what are the current plans in place from services?” 

“They have requested my ex and I separately write an evidence based parenting plan and submit it to the Judge at the next hearing next week.”

“So what is your proposal?”

“I propose therapeutic input for the children, a structured and supported period of graded exposure and reconciliation with me that would gradually increase in frequency. With the long term aim being 50/50 shared parenting.”

Harry Ball-Sax then made the rather astonishing comment “If I were you I certainly wouldn’t mention the terms 50/50 or shared parenting.”

I unsurprisingly asked “why is that?”

“Judges will perceive this as the father trying to take possession and ownership of the children away from the mother.”

“I’m sorry, can you just say that again please!” I requested in disbelief at what he had just said.

“Judges will perceive this as the father trying to take possession and ownership of the children away from the mother.”

“But my evidence based proposal would explicitly state that that would not be my intention! And furthermore, I have been asked to put forward a long term plan.”

In response to this he rather dismissively and with a clear and visible non-verbal attempt at avoidance, he moved his head to the side and shrugged his shoulders.

“Can you please explain why you believe Judges would perceive this as the father trying to take possession and ownership of the children away from the mother?”

Harry Ball-Sax then stated “this conversation is beyond the remit of this mediation session.”

“Be that as it may, you have just made a statement and I am asking for clarification so as to be as well informed as possible when writing my proposal.”

“You should seek legal advice on this matter.”

“But I represent myself. I just want you to elaborate on what you said about Judges and what appears to be you stating that Judges have a somewhat gender biased approach to fathers when the term 50/50 or shared parenting is used; despite there being a huge amount of evidence that informs us that shared parenting is in the short and long term best interests of the children.”

“Like I said, this conversation is beyond the scope of this mediation session.”

And so the session ended. My ex will be invited for an initial session such as the one I attended. She may or may not attend, who knows!

The above mediation session took less than twenty minutes and cost me £110 (that is $155 for any readers from the US). I left frustrated at the injustice of ‘the system’ and £110 poorer.

I have since reflected on this further. I work for the National Health Service (NHS) as a psychiatric nurse. I absolutely love my job and I truly believe that my colleagues and I make a positive difference to our patients’ lives. I earn less than £14 per hour (just under $20). Harry Ball-Sax charged me £110 of my hard earned money for twenty minutes of his time. However the service he provided made no discernible difference to my ongoing problem of being denied contact with my children. Where is the justice?

Eli Wiesel the Romanian-born American novelist, political activist, and Holocaust survivor once said “there may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.”

btg dad


Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The Peace Not Pas Team

A Beginners Guide to Research for Battling Parental Alienation 

When I first started my mental health nurse training several years ago I used to hate the lectures that aimed to teach us how important research is.

I found both the subject and the lectures boring, dull and at the time I didn’t really understand the importance of research. On reflection, I now realise that because I didn’t really understand research, I was fearful of it.

However my course was degree based. And as such I had to learn the importance of research and the importance of evidence based practice in order to write my much dreaded dissertation.

“Little did I know back then how valuable my eventual understanding of research and evidence based practice would be in battling parental alienation.”

I now understand the importance of research. To this day it continues to inform and underpin my clinical practice as a mental health nurse. However, little did I know back then how valuable my eventual understanding of research and evidence based practice would be in battling parental alienation.

Cafcass’ initial response to my particular case of parental alienation was to give my children time. However this is the complete opposite to all the available research and evidence based practice in terms of approaching parental alienation.

At the risk of sounding pompous and somwhat gradiose, I softly and appropriately challenge every single professional’s opinion that attempts to dismiss parental alienation. I am a thorn in the side of many professionals from both Cafcass and Children’s Social Services.

I do not overly challenge them in meetings. However I challenge them via emails, so everything is documented.

It was my presentation to Cafcass of evidence based practice that I highlighted they were not following, that resulted in them backtracking and re-working with my two older children.

It was my presentation to Cafcass of evidence based practice that I highlighted they were not following, that resulted in Cafcass undertaking a psychological assessment. This assessment subsequently confirmed my suspicions; that my ex presents with Cluster A personality traits.

These are just two examples of how I have used my understanding of research and evidence based practice to challenge the relevant authorities in terms of me battling parental alienation.

Here at Peace Not Pas we aim to provide support to all those fighting parental alienation.

However this also includes attempting to encourage, enable and support people to become more well-informed about parental alienation. We should not have to fight against parental alienation. However, until such a time that it becomes officially recognised and managed with the same severity as any other form of abuse we have to continue to fight it. We simply  have no choice.

BeginnersGuidetoResearch2_PeaceNotPas.jpeg

This is why as Peace Not Pas we feel understanding the importance of research and evidence based practice is an integral part of battling parental alienation.


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The following is a brief beginners guide to the reading and understanding of research articles. Particularly with regards to battling parental alienation:

  • A research article might appear intimidating for some at first. Even thinking about reading a research article can be fearful itself for some. However, trust me, it is not as bad as it seems.
  • Before you even start reading a paper or document, take a look at the authors and their institutional affiliations. Are they credible? Some institutions/authors are well-respected; others may appear to be legitimate research institutions but some may be driven by a certain agenda.
  • My advice is to begin by reading the title, abstract and conclusions first, before deciding on whether to read the whole article.
  • The Title: Like the title of a book which will attempt to attract a potential reader, the title of the article is the one thing which will attempt to attract a reader. A good title should fully inform the potential reader a great deal about the study to decide whether to go ahead and read it or not.
  • The Abstract: This is the part of the article that should help the reader to determine whether he or she should be reading the entire article or not.
  • The Introduction: The purpose of this is to provide the reader with a rationale for conducting the study.
  • Materials and Methods: This section explains to the reader how the researh was carried out.
  • Results of the study: In this section the researchers will give details about the data they have collected.
  • Discussion: This is the most important part of the article. This is where the answers are answered.
  • The Conclusion: Although I advised reading the conclusion at the beginning, it is prudent to read it again at the end to confirm whether what we had inferred initially is correct.

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Different Types of Research Articles:

Literature Reviews Articles: Theses articles are basically a critical evaluation of studies of previously published research. For example in the case of parental alienation, a literature review will ultimately critically evaluate a number of previously published studies on parental alienation.

Case Studies: These will include reports of case materials of an individual, group, community, or an organization. For example, this could be the experiences and results of a number of alienated children going through psychological interventions and the subsequent results.

Quantitative Research Articles: The aim of these articles is to measure/quantify
variables for individual participants based on individual scores. For example, this could measure the number of people afflicted with mental health issues due to being children affected by parental alienation

Qualitative Research Article: The aim of this type of research is to focus on observing and understanding participants’ behaviors and attitudes. Researchers will then write a reports describing the phenomena under study. For example this would be presented as more of a narrative of peoples experiences of a given intervention to minimise the detrimental effects of parental alienation.


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The above is by no means an exhaustive list of all the different types of aresearch articles. And I sincerely hope I have not scared anyone away from the topic of research!

My aim was to attempt to get across the importance of reading and informing ourselves as much as we can about parental alienation. And the importance of research and it’s relation to evidence based practice.

While I was writing this I was at the same time engaging in an online conversation with other members of the Peace Not Pas Team. We were discussing how, in the absence of any official recognition of parental alienation how as targeted parents we must play the system.

And this playing the system brings me to my conclusion of this post. From the above advice I am not by any means advising every single one of us attend every single meeting arguing at every opportunity with every professional about the injustice of parental alienation. My advice is simply this:

Arm yourselves with as much information as you can. Become confident in reading and understanding research articles. Learn the skill of picking out the most pertinent points.

Look for gaps and deficits in the services involved. And with the aid of information garnered from as much research as possible, point out where and when these services are not abiding by evidence based practice and appropriately challenge them.

In terms of your approach be as determined as the alienator. Agree to every single intervention offered. Agree to attend every single meeting. Agree to do whatever it will take for the services to see that you are co-operating as much as you can.

Over time, as saddening and as frustrating as it is, at some point the services will see the alienator for who they really are. And throughout this time inform yourself as much as you can about parental alienation.

Please do make full use of our ever growing list of articles on our Research Articles Page.

“No thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge, and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure to acquire.” L. Frank Baum, The Lost Princess of Oz.

btg dad


Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The Peace Not Pas Team

I attended YET another meeting earlier today… 

[Warning: Once again the following paragraphs contain a disproportionate amount of sarcasm!]


I attended yet another meeting today. I was told, yet again it was a really important meeting. I was also told it was about the welfare of my children. I was also told it was imperative I attend, in order for my opinions and views to be heard.

“Welcome to the wonderful world of parental alienation!”

For those that read my last article I attended a meeting earlier today, I apologise for the feeling of repetition in the above opening paragraph. However today’s meeting was a really important follow up meeting to the aforementioned meeting.

All I can say is, welcome to the wonderful world of parental alienation; where every single important professional loves a meeting. But no single important professional takes any accountability in any of these meetings.

For those of you unfamiliar with my writing, I am what is known as an alienated parent. Due to contact denial by my ex, I have now not seen my children since summer last year (2016).

For those of you unaware of what parental alienation is, please see here for a more detailed description.

“So what happened in today’s really, really important meeting?” I hear you all ask?

Well, for a start I asked the eighth social worker I have come into contact with a number of questions. (Yes that right folks, you heard it right the first time, eight social workers!)

My first question was, “do you, as Children’s Social Services recognise parental alienation?”

“What do you mean by parental alienation?” Was the somewhat astonishing reply from the aforementioned social worker.

“Parental alienation, as a set of behaviours, not a syndrome. Parental alienation, as is recognised by Cafcass, do you recognise it within Children’s Social Services?” This was my simple response, beit a question.

At this point I did not feel the need to elaborate on the fact that Anthony Douglas, Chief Executive of Cafcass recognises parental alienation, but that his actual Cafcass practitioners do not. (I thought I would leave this battle for another day).

Evidence of Anthony Douglas’ recognition of parental alienation is in the public domain for all to see in his interview with The Telegraph, dated as recent as 12th February 2017. The full article can be found here.

“That article that I emailed you, did you have a chance to read it?”… “I read some of it.”

So in returning to my inquiry, an assistant practitioner who was present at the meeting interjected and asked me “what do you mean by parental alienation, as a set of behaviours?”

I directed the following reply back to the social worker “that article that I emailed you, did you have a chance to read it?” (A few days previous I had emailed the Social Worker Sue Whitcombe’s article entitled Parental alienation or justifiable estrangement? Assessing a child’s resistance to a parent in the UK.) This article is available for download on our Research Articles Page here. Alternatively, the direct link to the article is here.

The Social Worker’s reply was remarkable to say the least. “I read some of it.”

On further direct questioning from myself regarding Children’s Social Services lack of recognition of parental alienation, the aforementioned social worker stuck her neck out and went so far as to say “we recognise parental alienation as a term.”

“The level of potential malpractice and lack of recognition evidenced from today’s really, really important meeting was there for all to see.”

[I sincerely apologise to you the reader for my forthcoming expletives]. 


“Thank fuck Children’s Social Services recognise parental alienation as a term! Otherwise all us thousands of alienated parents out there would be well and truly fucked!” I thought to myself.

So there we go reader. The level of potential malpractice and lack of recognition evidenced from today’s really, really important meeting was there for all to see.

I did not inform the attendees at the meeting that I am actually an incredibly proud co-founder of CCA. Nor did I inform them that as an organisation we have engaged with a recent Westminster debate that took place only two weeks ago with the aim of legal reform.

One of the key questions within this Westminster debate was ‘where there is no “evidence” of the non resident parent being a risk to their child, why can’t the courts – “the system” – order the re-establishment of contact within a matter of days?’ See here for full details of the aforementioned debate.

The affiliated organisation OnlyMums & OnlyDads are well worth a visit here. As CCA we contributed to the debate. Our contribution can be found here.

Dear readers, I apologise for the disproportionate amount of hyperlinks in the above paragraphs. However as someone that will continue to fight this battle, I firmly believe that being as informed as possible is an intergarl part of challenging such a flawed systems.

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” Nelson Mandela.

btg dad


Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The CCA Support Team

I attended a meeting earlier today…

[Warning: The following paragraphs contain a disproportionate amount of sarcasm!]


I attended a meeting earlier today. I was told it was a really important meeting. I was also told it was about the welfare of my children. I was also told lots of important professionals would be attending. I was also told it was imperative I attend, in order for my opinions and views to be heard.

For those of you unfamiliar with my writing, I am what is known as an alienated parent. Due to contact denial by my ex, I have now not seen my children since summer last year (2016).

My children claim they no longer want anything to do with me. My ex has effectively brainwashed my children against me. She allows them to believe I left them, and that I no longer want anything else to do with them.

It has been evidenced by numerous professionals that she is exhibiting alienating behaviours. It has also been evidenced by numerous professionals that she is effectively emotionally abusing them day in and day out.

She has been ordered to stop by numerous Judges, Court Orders and some really important professionals. However she continues to put the work in and my children remain alienated against me, all thanks to her unrelenting alienating and brainwashing behaviours.

For those of you unaware of what parental alienation is, please see here for a more detailed description.

Anyway, back to this very important meeting. My friend and I were escorted into the meeting room at the same time as my ex and her friend. Then all the very important professionals entered one by one.

“The poor grammar and punctuation gave the impression of either someone being rushed, not giving a shit or both. Who knows!”

The customary round the table introductions was facilitated in such a manner that it reminded me of being at a funeral wake. Even though all these very important professionals were clearly attending this very important meeting, they all appeared to have the same dull facial expression and uninterested overall demeanour. That of someone that appears to have something much more important to do with his or her time.

A social worker then read out his concerns from a report he had been required to write, of which we had all been supplied copies. The poor grammar and punctuation gave the impression of either someone being rushed, not giving a shit or both. Who knows!

I requested to interject as it clearly became apparent to me that he had misquoted me in his report. He would not relent, he was adamant I had said what I said. We were asked to agree to disagree and move on.

“Why don’t you both just grow up!”

Anyway readers I will spare you any further details, for reasons of confidentiality and so as not to bore the hell out of you all.

As we started to conclude discussions, each of these really important professionals were given the opportunity to give their final statements and findings. My particular favourite comment from one of the professionals (whose remit I will not disclose) was, “why don’t you both just grow up!” Wow, what an incredibly supportive, insightful, professional and compassionate comment to make, I thought to myself. But wait it gets worse…

A short while later, my ex’s friend (who was sitting next to me) made the following comment to me, “this is all about what you want as a father isn’t it!” This comment presented itself to me as an incredibly misplaced sense of loyalty to her friend; the victim mother in this situation.

However this friend, who was previously a mutual friend of mine too, prior to her turning to the dark side of parental alienation, appeared completely oblivious to the role she was now playing as an enabler of parental alienation.

Please see an earlier post of mine entitled An Open Letter to Enablers of Parental Alienation. This article highlights the key role enablers play in the tactics of an alienating parent.

In response to her above comment I replied “that’s a strong statement to make.” To this she replied, “well, that’s my opinion.” I said nothing further in response, what is the point I thought to myself.

When it got to my turn to make any concluding comments I started to inquire about parental alienation and which organisations recognise it and which don’t. This inquiry was not deemed relevant by the Chair. She quickly moved proceedings on to the next person.

“Nevermind, this is only about the welfare of three young children!”

“So what was the outcome of this very important meeting today?” I hear you all ask. Effectively nothing! My children remain in an abusive environment and that’s it.

Oh shit! I almost forgot, there was an outcome I forgot to mention. We have another meeting planned! But we have no goals or aims to work towards in readiness for this next meeting. Nevermind, this is only about the welfare of three young children!

GeneralMelchettPeaceNotPas

In honour of all the important professionals that attended today’s meeting and their overall conduct I would like to finish with a somewhat fitting quote.

The character of General Melchett who is the incompetent World War I General featured in the British comedy show Blackadder Goes Forth makes the following statement: “If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”

btg dad


Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The Peace Not Pas Team

A Birthday, an Alienated One

Today, October 15,  my daughter turns five.

I will call her using my tablet, that’s our channel.

I hope the tablet is turned on.

If the tablet is on, I hope she hears it and is allowed to answer.

It’s been like this since February. A period after which the terrible and sinister powers of parental alienation descended upon us.

I feel sadness and more importantly, I feel for my two children. Who are the true victims, knowing they wish to see their father  yet their mother has other plans… Vindictive plans I must make clear.

Nothing justifies this, nothing.

Written by

Mito


Please Note: We will gladly refer readers to true professionals who add value, deliver results and operate in line with our core principles. 

We are also more than happy to feature quality content by writers; any wish to remain anonymous will be respected, as is the case with the above writer.

So if you align with our vision and ethos, have someone to recommend, are someone we would recommend or have something to say on the subject of shared parenting and parent equality in either a personal or professional capacity and would like a platform to have your say or contribute in some way to our cause, please contact us.

Thanks

The Peace Not Pas Team

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